Where words fail, music speaks.: We're so happy, even when we're smilin' out of fea...

Where words fail, music speaks.: We're so happy, even when we're smilin' out of fea...: The smile that brings so many un-answered questions to light. A tool that all of us posses but often choose not to   U S E It's...

We're so happy, even when we're smilin' out of fear

The smile that brings so many un-answered questions to light. A tool that all of us posses but often choose not to  U S E

It's been a couple of weeks since I've blogged...

Don't worry, I've been feeling my subconscious mind tugging at me to get on it.

It's sort of my way of displaying art, it has to be the right moment, it will hit me often at the weirdest times and I always try to go with it.

I'm making myself vulnerable... putting my experiences and passions out there for the world to see. But I'm not going to filter it, everything I'm giving you is real and based on my own point of views from my own personal experiences.

That being said....

As I've touched on in previous posts, I've been extremely intrigued and eager to learn off of the people around me. Doing so, has also inspired me to read specific books, most recently, "How to win friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. I've began using some of the tactics he speaks on... I admired many of things he touches on but there was a few in particular I put to the test....

The power of remembering a persons name, smiling, ... & choosing to
       listen to understand and then be understood.

...part of my current job has me attending many different concerts, festivals and local shows. I was more recently asked to attend a show in a particular genre that I do not have a lot of experience covering.

They classify this genre as "Metal"...  don't get my wrong the beauty of the position I have makes it so that I have a very open mind to music...
It takes a lot to get me to NOT enjoy a live performance...

                        Music is art, an art I will always appreciate.

... back to the story

I arrived at the show, obtained my press pass and went inside. I did all I could to "Grunge down" in an efforts to bring less attention to my 5'11 blonde self.... it was tough but I did my best.

As I watched the first performance I became engrossed into the beauty behind their music, these guys get so passionately into their performance that it makes it hard not to be envious of their freedom.

Soon after the group I came to watch finished, there was 3 other performances to come.

I didn't need to stay...

But as I stood there completely alone looking around the room, I thought to myself...

I need to start taking my own advice as well as Dale Carnegie's advice....
Instead of satisfying my feeling of awkwardness by leaving, I need to use this moment to my advantage.

I took a look around and realized I could make this into an opportunity. I do not know a single person here

... but there are so many different personality types at this event, people I am not usually around... that I could learn something.

Instead of diving in to other peoples conversations, I grabbed a drink...sat a table... and simply just S M I L E D

....Up walks a tall curly haired guy wearing the same band T-Shirt as I... he commented on the shirt and asked how I knew the band..from there we just dove into conversations about different types of music... along with our common interest in snowboarding...

Soon after his friends joined, politely introducing themselves to me and beginning to talk with me just as well.

Soon enough we were all dancing and laughing, enjoying what was left of the show. After it ended I was lingering around talking to the group as people began to trickle out...

I look towards the stage and I see a guy and a girl in the center of the venue ...

Pretending to have a samurai sword fight.....

                       I'm dead serious

They had imaginary swords in their hands and they were pretending to have a true ninja sword fight....

I could see people randomly glancing their way, making that " Wow...those people" facial expressions...

... & maybe it's just the Idaho girl in me...

.... but I thought it was absolutely hilarious, amusing and just all around awesome that they just didn't give a single... [insert bad word here]

So I decided to go up to them and tell them that for myself...

& I am pretty sure it made their entire night, completely unaware anyone even noticed..

                       It's those little random moments that I treasure most.

I create my own reality, I can choose to either go with the moment, or just go along like all the other moving trains in the world.

                                    Which would you prefer?


.....

Back to the group I spoke about earlier, a few of the boys/girls were actually in the band I originally came to see....

They all began talking up this ski trip they were planning that weekend and spoke about how excited they were to have rented a cabin for 4 days in Beech Mountain, North Carolina..

.. I was so curious about the types of Ski Mountains this side of the country has to offer that I began asking questions, before I knew it they were inviting Landon & myself to join...

Yes that's right, they invited us to come with them...

What would most people do in that situation? ... Make up excuses? ... Say things such as,
"Well I don't know them that well"
"It would take a lot of time to drive up there.."
... I can go on???

When I presented this idea to Landon...
he basically said, "Okay so when are we leaving?"

.... when it comes to the freedom of the mountain, we don't ask questions we just go with it...

SO.. You guessed it, we drove the 5 hours to a rented cabin in North Carolina all to ski/board with a group of people we barely knew for the weekend...

and guess what?

I can honestly say....

We've now made friends that will always, in some way be apart of our lives forever.

It was so comforting being around personalities that reminded me of people back home in the West.....

very free spirited, open minded, happy with their lives and just all around G O O D.

To sum up what I am trying to portray in this post....

What would've happened if I had just left the venue after the first band finished...

if I would've just went with the fact that I was there alone......
and made a point to just leave...

That probably would've been the easiest decision I could have made....

But look what I got out of the route I went with?

I pushed through a fear and sugarcoated it with a smile...

and I made some amazing memories

and more importantly,

some amazing F R I E N D S

["You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." - Dale Carnegie]

Words to think about...

What categorizes an individual as successful? What is it that places us into these small groups labeled...

[Loser, Prep, Princess, Ignorant, Rude, Boring, Ugly, Failure, Trashy, Hippie, Classy, Sassy, Cocky, Cheap, Annoying, Insecure, etc. etc]

Is it our passed decisions? Our upbringing? Our current lifestyle choices? Our prior relationships? Our parents or their decisions? Our talents? Our success's? Our ambitions?

In all honesty I feel that there is no true determining factor as to what places us in to these small classifications, it's all observations and opinions of those around us.

But what if we could all learn this one thing...

This one very simple thing...

This one possibly life changing thing.....

And that is...

Not a single INDIVIDUAL THINKS the same way as YOU DO.

There are millions of determining factors that make a person have the beliefs they carry and that's not a bad thing. But why is it that we can't all realize THAT one thing.... before we go about judging?

Why is it that we can't all become CURIOUS not judgmental.....

Is it some sort of underlying self esteem issue?
Is it because of what we've been told is the "right" way to live your lives? ...

....Truthfully I'm not sure, but it's something that I have been toying with a lot lately.
I completely understand a persons decision to surround themselves with people that have a similar life style as them, but I cannot wrap my head around people who look at others with pure judgment and complete close mindedness.

I myself used to be guilty of this, back in high-school when I thought that Boise, Idaho was the center of the universe
.... and who I was then, was who I was going to be for the rest of my life.

But then I realized...

We hold the key to be whoever we want to be.
Understanding other people's struggles instead of condemning them, acknowledging other people's beliefs and opinions instead surveying them....
just imagine all that we could achieve with just that one way of thinking...

The inspiration for this entry is something going on in my personal life....

I have these 2 friends, both of which I consider genuine people in my life.
Neither of which are friends with each other ...

One of them is what you'd call, if you choose to label her, a 'Hippie.' A person of the Earth, a girl who refuses to eat anything associated with an animal and who aspires to see all she can see in this lifetime. She's had a rough up-bringing but has only used it to become something stronger. A girl who wears minimal make up, and doesn't spend a lot time or money on her appearance, but is truly beautiful.

Then there is my other friend. The tall blonde 'princess,' a girl who has had an amazing family that has given her every opportunity she'd could dream of. She genuinely cares about her appearance & works hard to keep it up. A girl who has every social skill you'd could want and dozens of friends that love her. A girl who is considered "the girl next door" completely UN-attainable to a lot of men. She is absolutely caring to anyone that needs her & is also truly beautiful.

I love both of these girls, just like sisters.
These two girls have absolutely NOTHING in common, except just ONE thing....

Their close minded natures. 

You see, the couple of times I have brought these two around each other, they hated each other. The reason being, each is very set on their ways. Don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing, but it's important for us to remember that there is no RIGHT way...

We're all just doing what we can to make what we want out of our lives. Each of us have our own reasons for feeling certain ways, we have our own reasons for being "vegans" or "meat eaters"... for being a person that chooses to smoke weed... or a person that will never go near it with a fear of what could happen.

Both girls think of each-other as "Ignorant"... their word, not mine.
I feel like our society scares us into these people were supposed to be, and anyone that steps outside of that is to be isolated into a particular "category."

Imagine what we could become if we just learned to open up our eyes?
Imagine what we could become if we all just realized how short-lived our time truly is.... Imagine what we could learn from each-other by taking away this fear...

We're all just the same you know...

Built with good intentions... with hope for a better future.... built with intrigue... and the ability to achieve true success....

You don't believe me??...

This passed Friday night I played a little game with some friends...
I noticed a lot of people in the room, staring, looking around with a strange silence about them....

So I wanted a challenge... I asked the boys to look around this very crowded room and find the most miserable, unhappy, angry looking people.... and point them out to me.. then I told them to watch what I could do...

The first person they pointed out was a mid-20's blonde girl standing with her friends, drinking, with a mean look stemming from her eyes. You could just read her energy, she was not an approachable person.

Challenge Accepted.

I approached her immediately, acknowledging all of the people she was standing with, with a simple gracious smile. I looked at her and told her that she looked absolutely fabulous in blue, blonde's have certain colors that stand out beautifully on them and she had chosen the right one. Instantly her wall came down, she smiled and thanked me going on about how she had searched for something to wear for hours that night.

As I stood with this group and continued talking with them, I realized something. This "angry looking" girl's best friend was the center of attention, all of the boys were extremely magnetic to this friend and it seemed as though she was barely able to get a word in edge wise, which probably had a lot to do with her body language...

It's funny huh?... What you wouldn't realize about someone until you gave them a chance...

Most of us are easily brought down by flattery or simple small talk....

So I challenge you....

Watch what you can achieve. 

-L

"Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions
Be truth seekers

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions" -The Script "Hall Of Fame"

Cross country drives bring more then just miles to your car...

We ask ourselves often why we don't travel more? We make up our own reasons such as finances, time, prior commitments, family, etc. But what is really holding us back from seeing the world? In most cases it's none of those things.... in most cases, it's F E A R 

As you know I currently reside in Atlanta, Georgia but I am originally from the great state of Idaho. Plane tickets back home aren't ideal for a 23 year old writer with baby puppies, so my other half & I usually drive back and make a trip out of it. Stopping along the way to ski/snowboard as well as see people in our west coast states. 

We started our journey five days prior to Christmas, planning to spend it with my family in Boise. My little brothers and sister are still very little and Christmas is a very exciting time for them. I've never missed a Christmas in the time that the three of them have been born and I didn't intend to start, even though there were 2000 miles in between us... seeing those sweet faces Christmas morning is worth every second of it. 

Of course spending time in your home town has it's perks, it also has a weird way of showing you the person you are now. I am thankful every single day for leaving, mainly because I really found myself. Going back home to visit really shows me that those roots actually are what make you, but what you do with those roots once they have formed, are what define you.

 I observed a lot of things this trip back home and realized the things I truly value. My family isn't perfect, but who's family is? The one thing that I truly admire about them is their ability to forgive. I'll hear about all of these different things going on with different members of the family, negative things, angry statements and numerous dramatic outbursts. But NO MATTER what I hear, during our yearly family Christmas-eve party, EVERYONE is invited, treated the same, is loved, cared about and everyone is Family. 

My Grandma has always said to me "sweetie, you can't change them. You just have to love them." I have always respected her for saying that. She has always stood beside every single one of her kids/grand kids no matter what they've done or how they've treated her. She is what they call a real Guardian Angel.

But there are also two people I love dearly and truly look up to. My GREAT Grandparents, that's right... GREAT Grandparents. I call them my Nana & Papa.

They are still going just as strong as most peoples' Grandparents. They have been together since they were 15 years old and have always had such a deep faith in God. 

.... My Papa has always paid for everything in cash, his whole life has been cash only. He believes that if you can't pay for something in full, then you don't need it. He's built the house in the hills that my Nana lives in, by hand. 

It is absolutely beautiful up there, I have memories of going there from the time I was a very little girl and going back to visit always makes me feel so warm and comfortable.

Landon and I decided that people like my Nana & Papa are the people you want to learn from. They are wise beyond their years and have seen way more then A LOT of people. They are the ones to be curious about and to learn from, and we took this opportunity visiting to do so. We were very blessed for that.

Straight from Idaho we made the trip to Landon's home town of Salt Lake City, Utah. Getting a chance to spend time with his family as well as to ski one of our favorite mountains! It was a great experience, we got the chance to go on a family trip to the Lava Hot Springs (something his family has done for years) and I had the amazing moment where I actually felt accepted by them. Which is something I have longed for, and another story all in its own. 

... FINALLY getting the chance to go to the top of a mountain with the whole world beneath me was enchanting. Snowboarding gives me one of the most freeing feelings I could ever search for. I get that moment to forget about everything going on around me and enter a state of peace, which is completely priceless. 

So I know a lot of the entry has been just repetitive stories about seeing family and our trip home... but I had a point in giving this back-story. A moment that inspired me, like most of the inspirations for my entries, this one got me thinking. 

We had planned to spend New Years in Denver, Colorado at a music festival called "Decadence" where were intended to meet some friends.

During our excursion from SLC to Denver, we stopped at a gas station in the middle of no-where... & as we were leaving, we saw a bunch of young people standing outside a van & a car with a sign that said, "Ran out of gas."

These weren't just any bunch of young kids that ran out of gas, these people looked like true hippies. 

Now when I say hippies, I don't want you to picture a 'Bum' looking kid.... or even someone dirty lacking any motivational skills. 

What I saw in these people was Freedom.  From what I could tell, these were Gypsies. Young people that made the decision to see how far they could get simply living off of the grid. Traveling as far as they could, viewing as much of the world as they could and viewing it not just with their eyes, but with their hearts. 

Who's to say these people are the wrong ones in this scenario? At least they stopped making up excuses and starting making adventures instead. 

.... Naturally I gave them they ten dollar bill in my purse. They took it from me, smiled while bowing and said,"bless you."

I almost wanted to thank them, for doing what many cant. God intended for all of us to learn from each other, interact and live off of the land. Granted times have changed and living in the moment isn't realistic anymore, it's still inspiring to see people like that. I sit and wonder about all of the things they've seen, who they've met, stories they probably have.......  all I can do is smile. 

The legendary Tom Petty sings a song that's lyrics I feel portray this part of my entry very well.

"Well I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still
I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing
Well the good ol' days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn
Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out for God knows where

........I guess I'll know when I get there."

Clarity

Lately I've been doing a little bit of personal soul searching, I guess that's probably the best way I can describe it. I've been working on tapping into parts of my mind that are unused.. parts of myself that I didn't know existed.

I began starting very small, simply waking up in the morning... stretching, closing my eyes and putting my mind into a state of relaxation, a state of …. Clarity. From there, I began making an effort to pay closer attention to the people around me. It's funny, you'd be really surprised at the amount you can learn by just observing people in your every day life, the people you see often as well as people in the general public. Every individual is so different, we all have different stories, passions, worries, doubts, and most of all... we all have different things to offer. I'm learning to be curios, not judgmental. I'm learning to look at people differently to a point of appreciation for them....

While on the Cruise ship I spoke about in the last blog entry, we were seated for the nightly dinner with some very special people, a huge group of Puerto Rican friends & family members. This group plans trips together, weekend themed parties, fun events, and they treat each other as if they are one big family. During the seven days on the ship we became very close with them, we were even blessed to take part in one of the couples' renewal of vows ceremony.

 Towards the end of the week it occurred to us that these people had opened their arms to us like we were their own, so we exchanged information and planned to attend one of their “crazy Puerto Rican” Christmas parties they had been planning for weeks. Seeing as how they all live in the Orlando, Florida area we knew we would have to make the 7 hour drive down to attend … but as always we were of course, DOWN for the adventure. They were generous enough to offer us up one of the guest bedrooms for the night of the party so we wouldn't have to drive back directly after....

…...When I say I am going to do something, I do everything I can to commit to that plan. So Saturday morning we drove through an insaaane rain storm to attend this Christmas party with our newly “Adopted Puerto Rican Cruise Family”.....

We arrived and were greeted with sheer excitement, these people were genuinely thankful for us. There were dozens of them, all so happy to be with each other. All I could see was dancing, singing, laughing, drinking and people truly enjoying the moment.

My point in telling you all of this is because I saw something that night.....

The woman (Yvette) that was hosting this party, was a single teacher with two children (Both 23 & 19.) When we met her on the boat, it became so abundantly clear that she was an insanely positive and happy person who loved her children very much. No matter what I noticed that this woman ALWAYS had a HUGE smile on her face, and it was crazy contagious. She had a glow about her, a light that is hard not to follow.......

…..later on we gathered that she had been divorced from the children's Dad for over 18 years and had been seeing the same man for about 4 years now. This man she was seeing began to play ridiculous games with her, saying things he didn’t mean in an efforts to get a reaction out of her. Yvette, being the strong confident Mother that she is, ended things with him.... after 4 years she felt it wasn't right, so she parted ways.... only a week prior to this party.....

… What really absolutely intrigues me about all of this, was her demeanor, it did not change. She was still that out-going, excited person we met on the ship. She was dancing, singing and enjoying herself just like nothing happened.....I had to ask her what the secret was....

….like I said before, I am making an effort to learn from the people around me...... So when I asked her how she genuinely maintained such a happy amazing personality even during rough patches... she said this...

“Sweetheart, nobody ever got anywhere by moping around. Sometimes, life throws challenges your way, and it's not the challenges that effect you, it is how you react to them. There are just some things that you can't change, and being hysterical about it will not get you anywhere. A long time ago I made a personal decision for myself, that decision was to NOT waste the time I was given on this earth by being unhappy. Cherish your moments.”

What she said stuck with me, I think it's inspiring to meet people like Yvette. I know some of you may understand why what she said was so empowering, and some of you may brush it off... but what I want to stress in this entry is the power we all have to control our own thoughts. Once we realize this, things become clearer.

… You may be wondering the same exact thing I pondered after my conversation with her, HOW does she do it... not just why.. but how does a person change their way of thinking to pure positivity....

And the answer came to me just as simply as the question did.. You. Just. Do.

I want to end this entry with a musical reference. Most recently I've been shuffling my entire 1000 song music play list and allowing the shuffle to choose the song for me. I've been focusing more and more on what the artist is actually saying, hoping to learn from it...

After this Christmas party ended, I put my head phones on and went outside for a moment to look up at the stars.

….My song-shuffle chose “Airplanes” by B.O.B, Hailey Williams & Eminem.... granted this is an older song. I decided to listen, and I mean really listen. The ending of the song makes a very powerful point, during Eminem’s portion he raps .....
”Lets pretend”......... “he never risked shit, he hoped and he wished it but it didn’t fall in his lap, so he ain’t even here, he pretends that..... 
Airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars.”

How many of us wait around for an opportunity to fall into our laps but are never really proactive on it... due to our own personal walls we put up for ourselves. Nothing ever comes easy, it really doesn't matter where you come from, you have the power to make the life you want.

Don't believe me? Try it....

Ending with that thought, just a few weeks ago, I was in a music video for the musician B.O.B., I had the chance to speak to him for a very brief moment, I asked him just one question. 

“How did you get to this amazing point that you're at in life?”
He smiled and said to me...... 

“We all have the power to create our own reality......”

Lets pretend.....

Unexpected lessons

The opportunity I was given to witness true beauty, unexpecting to see it in the ways I did.

Taking a seven day cruise through the Caribbean for a week seemed like a pretty nice way to spend a thanksgiving considering that I am unable to be with my family. On our first island stop we arrived in St. Thomas Virgin Islands. magnificent, I must say, looking around as I walk off this giant boat I'd been calling home the last couple of days. The lay outs of the island remind me of something you'd imagine when describing Greece, there were moments where you didn't know whether to be amazed or frightened by the driving, which was on the wrong side of the road!

Naturally, I was drawn to the downtown part of the city, intrigued by what they would have to offer. An array of shops and tax free things available for purchase, can't get much better then that! We met all kinds of people from all over the world, all with an amazing peace of mind about them because they were all there for the same purpose, to explore, to have adventure. As we were enjoying this amazing sun, checking out the map of the island, it randomly started raining out of nowhere. Laughing, we ran to find a restaurant in an attempt to add some alcohol to this excitement.

We sat at the bar and noticed a nice man sitting on a bar stool alone, enjoying a foreign beer. We asked him what his name was, of course curious about him! His sweet British accent was happy to talk with us, he smiled and told us his name was Andrew. He said that he was traveling on a different cruise, island hopping as well.

We asked him where his family was for this excursion, he looked at us kindly with a smile and said, “I came on this vacation alone, I've been travelling as much as possible, spending all of my money.” I thought he was absolutely hilarious. Until he explained that he had been diagnosed with cancer last year and found out that it was terminal. He said that he had never been married, nor had any children. He worked really hard for 44 straight years and decided he wanted to spend his remaining time seeing the world.

His glow truly enchanted me, even after everything he'd been through he was still incredibly positive. Many people in a position like that start to look for people to blame, and spend a majority of their time left miserable. I find it admirable that he was doing what made him happy for the time he had left.

The rain started to simmer and the sun was shining again, so we decided to make our way to the top of a mountain to get a true view of where we actually were. We made it to the top after taking an incredibly scary bus ride, and the view was absolutely beautiful. I felt blessed for even being able to witness it.

Everyone had been telling us about this incredible beach we needed to see called Megan Bay. We took a 15 minute taxi ride through crazy mountain roads and arrived at a little hidden treasure. The water was so tame and crystal blue. The surrounding islands had houses all around but no actual visuals of any roads, it looked as if the houses were popping out of the trees.

The water was so warm and comfortable enough to lay in. We played in it for over an hour, when suddenly out of no where it started pouring down rain again. I was standing in the middle of the ocean during an intense rain storm.

The ocean water actually felt warm and comforting compared to the rain coming down. I hurried to get out and cover up our stuff, as I turned back around peering at the water I noticed all of the other people rushing out to get shelter..........except this one woman.

Standing in the ocean, her arms up in the air, swaying back and forth painting a heavenly smile on her face. It seemed like I was in a dream of some sort as she stood there openly laughing in pure joy, diving into the water then out again, continuously spinning in circles, closing her eyes just enough to take it all in.

…... Her graceful bliss was so unbelievably exquisite and she looked as free as a bird, loving life for all it was giving her. You could tell that she appreciated the serenity surrounding her, and at that exact moment without knowing it, she inspired me to jump back in the water. I wanted to feel what she was feeling. Her unwillingness to give-in to what she “should” be doing made me want to do the same.

This moment for me was true and utter peace, not just because of what was around me......because I was able to allow myself to give-in and feel that INNER freedom.

… thanks to that beautiful lady in the ocean, dancing in the rain.

“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.”-BM

My newest creation, the abundant life of a gipsy.

Here's the thing, I already have a blog that I have periodically added to through out the last five years. Most recently I've been told I need to start blogging more, the experiences and the different things I am doing. After all, I am a writer. As I logged into my blogger profile to begin adding to it, it became clear to me that the person I was when I created the last blog... is not the person that I am today.

It seems much more appropriate to begin a new blog, to go along with the new me. I don't find anything wrong with the direction I was going before, but I think that my life has shifted down a different path which obviously calls for a different page!

I honestly don't know who will ever read this nor care to, but it's deemed obvious that it's extremely important to write things down whether it be thoughts, ideas, problems, quotes, adventures, advice or whatever. This may even be slightly sporadic.... but either way I am going to make a solid effort to begin writing about everything and anything. I plan to add many of my articles to my blog BEFORE they are edited and cropped out for the magazine.

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about music and just things in life all in all that I think should be shared in some way ....even just for myself. Writing thoughts down can sort a lot of things out in your mind. It can be refreshing. 

I am going to start by giving you a brief overview of what's happened to me in the last two years, I'll try to make it as short and reader friendly as possible. But I do feel it's prominent to give you an overview so that you understand me a little bit better.

Born: Boise, Idaho
Raised: Back and forth between two young divorced parents, flying 5 times per year between Idaho and Medford, Oregon.
My favorite person: My Grandma, my parents were so young when I was brought into their lives that they didn't know what they were doing. My Grandma kept me grounded, she kept me hopeful and she helped me form my own relationship with God.

Favorite things: Being outside, I avidly snowboarded, road ATV's and did whatever I could to give me a feeling of freedom. I was always searching for something, I just never knew what it was.

High school: I did beauty pageants ( I know what you're thinking) but I did it to gain a feeling of independence, to feel like I was being heard, to have a voice, to make a difference. It taught me a lot.

OKAY it's time to begin the story from where it's the most important.


Let's take it back to 2011, I was in my second year at Boise State University. After having a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart, I made one of the hardest decisions 19 year old girl could make, I decided I needed to break up with my boyfriend of three years. There was no dramatic story as to what drove me to part ways with him, I just had this feeling in my heart that he was not the person I was supposed to be with. He had no clear dreams and motivations of his own other then to follow with whatever I was doing, he preferred to be home playing video games then to be out doing something. I am the type of girl who cannot sit still, I love adventures and keeping my mind busy.

I spent a solid month coming up with the courage to finally break things off with this boy, we had an apartment together, we had built this life and I was going to be responsible for the destruction of it. 

Once it was finally done, I spent every penny I had finishing the lease on our apartment and finding a new home with roommates. That brought out a real strength in myself, realizing I did not need a man to be happy.

.... Little did I know someone had other plans for me.

His eyes were dark, deeper then anything I'd ever seen. His spirit was free and his mysteriousness & clear misery simply intrgiued me. He was bad news which made me want him that much more. He was everything that I never had... and he came only weeks after my loss.

I knew it was bad timing, I made that quite clear to him, but he wanted a relationship with me regardless. He wanted this very confused lost girl and I don't know if I will ever understand why. After only a month of being together, I saw something, I saw a side of evil. I guess you could say my head was in the clouds, my last relationship was all I'd ever known and it seemed like I had found someone who was everything my ex was not.

His violent nature showed itself during the 2nd month of our relationship. When I say violent, I do not mean the type of violence you see on TV where the man is beating the woman half to death and she is black and blue all over. This was a different sort of violence, this was an anger inside him that was brought out over very small problems. Everything would get thrown back at me, almost like it was my own fault for triggering that in him. Through the course of our 6-7 month relationship he hit me a total of three times, out of anger. Once was an anger filled slap on the arm, the second was triggered out of a comment I made saying he was acting like a "jerk" which resulted in him screaming at me and punching me in the shoulder leaving a bruise. The third was in the middle of the night, he showed up at my house outraged that I had attended a concert with friends & had failed to communicate to him. He threw my blankets off of my bed and punched me in the leg with enormous strength. 

...This was clearly VERY unhealthy and to this day I can't explain what kept me with him .....

other then my undying need to figure him out.

I had to be this young mans learning experience. 

You'd be surprised to know that the ending of our relationship was his doing & took place publicly during a friends birthday party. It was a very random awkward moment in my life, but it was probably one of the best things that could've happened to me. I won't get into the details but I will say I was left on the floor in a puddle of my own tears with no idea where to go from there.

I spent the next month doing all I could to avoid seeing him ...but some how trying to allow him to see me... So he could see that I was doing "amazing" ... even though I wasn't. I went to a pretty dark place but I channeled my pain into writing and learning from the people around me.

I did what any normal college student would do and I began playing my "single" card in every way I could. Don't judge me for this statement, we've all be there. Talking to multiple guys, never gaining any true attachment to them, using them for what I needed.

Spring Break of 2011 changed my life forever. I met this amazing, sweet, kind, caring Utah guy. His name, Landon. We had a natural connection but again ....timing is everything. Little did I know he was in a similar mind set as I, just out of a serious relationship. For lack of better words to use [sorry Mom & Dad], we used that spring break as a "hook up" and maintained a friendship afterwards. We were in two different states which essentially felt like completely different worlds at the time. Our connection slowly disappeared into a distant memory. I spent the next year continuing on my chaotic college student road.

Summer of 2011, I met another guy. At the time, I didn't see it as serious, but he sure did. He pursued me harder then any man had ever tried before. I went with it because I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted and desired. I let him in, even though my gut instinct was telling me to run the other direction. I wouldn't say I fell "in love" with him, but I definitely gave him a piece of me.

I lived in a house with two other girls who were close friends of mine. I invested a majority of my time into one of the girls, we became best friends. We spent all our free time together and told each other everything. I felt like she was a sister to me.

-During this time period, one night, I attended a good friends going away grad party. This friend was not a friend of my roommates nor boyfriend so I attended solo. Around 12:30 that night at the party, I received a phone call that I had no idea would change my life. It was the Spring break Utah guy, Landon.
I went outside to answer and he was instantly surprised that I even picked up my phone.

He tells me that he's being doing a lot of thinking and praying and my name keeps returning in his thoughts like God is directing him to contact me. [Landon had been an LDS missionary who at the time was trying to get back into the church, his bishop told him that to gain peace and begin finding God again he would need to make a complete list of every girl he had pre-martial sex with. Afterwards he was to call each of those girls, apologize to them, and then erase their number and never speak to them again. I was the last person on this list.]
He asked me if he could come to Boise and take me out on a date. I told him that I was now in a relationship but if he came to Boise, we could meet for coffee and catch up. I was okay with being his friend. [this part of my story becomes important later on]

...Meanwhile my relationship with my current fling started to feel like more of a task then it was a commoditiy. He tried to control my every move, he would try reading my messages, snooping through my things and anything else he could get his hands on. I started to feel suffocated so I began pondering ways to subtly end it.

A month after I cut those ties, I began planning a spring break 2012 trip with my current bff/roommate at the time. I had been talking to Landon periodically and maintained a great friendship with him, we planned to meet up down in Vegas for a few days during our spring break adventure.

Once we were down there, myself, my friend, and Landon went out partying on the strip. 

My phone rings, it's my ex, I go into the bathroom and he proceeds to tell me a secret he had been harboring. He told me that through the course of our relationship he had had sex and kept a semi-relationship with that best friend/roommate I was in Vegas with. He proceeded to explain every single secret I had ever confided to her about, and named the exact occasion that they had hooked up. ....
 Remember earlier when I told you the story of the night I was at a friends grad party when Landon called. That was the exact night that they had "altercations." Coincidence? Creepy? I'd say. After triple confirming the facts with friends I had finally been given the truth.

I don't remember much after leaving the bathroom that night, but I do know that a side of me came out that I had never known was there.

The next morning, I took out enough money for my portion of the gas to get home. I asked her to go back to our house, move all of her stuff out and leave me alone for good. I intended on jumping on a plane back to Boise, but Landon, being the gentlemen that he is, insisted that I go down to California with him for his family vacation. It wasn't an ideal place for me to be during that time, but I was blatantly desperate to clear my head and of course wanted to avoid returning promptly to all that chaos.

To summarize what happened next, I'll just tell you, that I fell in love in the ocean of Venice Beach, California. This MAN was so understanding of everything I'd been through, yet seemingly amazing at cheering me up. He showed me some of my own inner spirit, he showed me the meaning of being free.

I soon realized that I had enclosed myself in a shell of a city, where it felt as though it was the only place in the entire world.

I had to get out. So I did, and that is the Lyssa you need to understand, that is when I began to figure it out.

Since leaving Idaho I have called, Salt Lake City, UT; Portland, OR; Dallas, TX; Nashville, TN; and Atlanta, GA my home. Along the way seeing numerous Cities, States, attractions and portions of Mexico.

I saw diversity, I saw poverty, I saw insane weather, insane people, beautiful people, liberal people, religious people, hateful people, and above all else, I saw myself. 

I accepted the things that I could not change, I learned to forgive and accept who I was. I learned the power of positive thinking. I learned the power of music and live SHOWS. It's that moment in life when there are thousands of people in one vicinity there for one thing, without judgments or pre conceived notions, to all feel for that moment in time....... Free.

I am not here to preach to you or give you outrageous things to believe in. I'm not even here to tell you to think the same way as I do. I am not here to cast judgment on your own personal path. I am here to help you see what I see, I am here to show you my journey and struggles, to show you that you are not alone.

I am here in an attempt to show you that we are all human, destined to achieve greatness in our own way. Not in the way that MOST perceive the word, in the way of figuring out your own personal abilities.

Napolean Hill said that we are all the masters of our own realities, we create the path that we want to create. We hold the keys to our own happiness and there isn't anyone else that can unlock that for you.

I have found myself through music, I have found myself through my own pain and failures, I am still continuing to find myself and I am going to share it.

Just as a true writer should.