It seems much more appropriate to begin a new blog, to go along with the new me. I don't find anything wrong with the direction I was going before, but I think that my life has shifted down a different path which obviously calls for a different page!
I honestly don't know who will ever read this nor care to, but it's deemed obvious that it's extremely important to write things down whether it be thoughts, ideas, problems, quotes, adventures, advice or whatever. This may even be slightly sporadic.... but either way I am going to make a solid effort to begin writing about everything and anything. I plan to add many of my articles to my blog BEFORE they are edited and cropped out for the magazine.
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about music and just things in life all in all that I think should be shared in some way ....even just for myself. Writing thoughts down can sort a lot of things out in your mind. It can be refreshing.
I am going to start by giving you a brief overview of what's happened to me in the last two years, I'll try to make it as short and reader friendly as possible. But I do feel it's prominent to give you an overview so that you understand me a little bit better.
Born: Boise, Idaho
Raised: Back and forth between two young divorced parents, flying 5 times per year between Idaho and Medford, Oregon.
My favorite person: My Grandma, my parents were so young when I was brought into their lives that they didn't know what they were doing. My Grandma kept me grounded, she kept me hopeful and she helped me form my own relationship with God.
Favorite things: Being outside, I avidly snowboarded, road ATV's and did whatever I could to give me a feeling of freedom. I was always searching for something, I just never knew what it was.
High school: I did beauty pageants ( I know what you're thinking) but I did it to gain a feeling of independence, to feel like I was being heard, to have a voice, to make a difference. It taught me a lot.
OKAY it's time to begin the story from where it's the most important.
Let's take it back to 2011, I was in my second year at Boise State University. After having a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart, I made one of the hardest decisions 19 year old girl could make, I decided I needed to break up with my boyfriend of three years. There was no dramatic story as to what drove me to part ways with him, I just had this feeling in my heart that he was not the person I was supposed to be with. He had no clear dreams and motivations of his own other then to follow with whatever I was doing, he preferred to be home playing video games then to be out doing something. I am the type of girl who cannot sit still, I love adventures and keeping my mind busy.
I spent a solid month coming up with the courage to finally break things off with this boy, we had an apartment together, we had built this life and I was going to be responsible for the destruction of it.
OKAY it's time to begin the story from where it's the most important.
Let's take it back to 2011, I was in my second year at Boise State University. After having a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart, I made one of the hardest decisions 19 year old girl could make, I decided I needed to break up with my boyfriend of three years. There was no dramatic story as to what drove me to part ways with him, I just had this feeling in my heart that he was not the person I was supposed to be with. He had no clear dreams and motivations of his own other then to follow with whatever I was doing, he preferred to be home playing video games then to be out doing something. I am the type of girl who cannot sit still, I love adventures and keeping my mind busy.
I spent a solid month coming up with the courage to finally break things off with this boy, we had an apartment together, we had built this life and I was going to be responsible for the destruction of it.
Once it was finally done, I spent every penny I had finishing the lease on our apartment and finding a new home with roommates. That brought out a real strength in myself, realizing I did not need a man to be happy.
.... Little did I know someone had other plans for me.
His eyes were dark, deeper then anything I'd ever seen. His spirit was free and his mysteriousness & clear misery simply intrgiued me. He was bad news which made me want him that much more. He was everything that I never had... and he came only weeks after my loss.
I knew it was bad timing, I made that quite clear to him, but he wanted a relationship with me regardless. He wanted this very confused lost girl and I don't know if I will ever understand why. After only a month of being together, I saw something, I saw a side of evil. I guess you could say my head was in the clouds, my last relationship was all I'd ever known and it seemed like I had found someone who was everything my ex was not.
His violent nature showed itself during the 2nd month of our relationship. When I say violent, I do not mean the type of violence you see on TV where the man is beating the woman half to death and she is black and blue all over. This was a different sort of violence, this was an anger inside him that was brought out over very small problems. Everything would get thrown back at me, almost like it was my own fault for triggering that in him. Through the course of our 6-7 month relationship he hit me a total of three times, out of anger. Once was an anger filled slap on the arm, the second was triggered out of a comment I made saying he was acting like a "jerk" which resulted in him screaming at me and punching me in the shoulder leaving a bruise. The third was in the middle of the night, he showed up at my house outraged that I had attended a concert with friends & had failed to communicate to him. He threw my blankets off of my bed and punched me in the leg with enormous strength.
...This was clearly VERY unhealthy and to this day I can't explain what kept me with him .....
.... Little did I know someone had other plans for me.
His eyes were dark, deeper then anything I'd ever seen. His spirit was free and his mysteriousness & clear misery simply intrgiued me. He was bad news which made me want him that much more. He was everything that I never had... and he came only weeks after my loss.
I knew it was bad timing, I made that quite clear to him, but he wanted a relationship with me regardless. He wanted this very confused lost girl and I don't know if I will ever understand why. After only a month of being together, I saw something, I saw a side of evil. I guess you could say my head was in the clouds, my last relationship was all I'd ever known and it seemed like I had found someone who was everything my ex was not.
His violent nature showed itself during the 2nd month of our relationship. When I say violent, I do not mean the type of violence you see on TV where the man is beating the woman half to death and she is black and blue all over. This was a different sort of violence, this was an anger inside him that was brought out over very small problems. Everything would get thrown back at me, almost like it was my own fault for triggering that in him. Through the course of our 6-7 month relationship he hit me a total of three times, out of anger. Once was an anger filled slap on the arm, the second was triggered out of a comment I made saying he was acting like a "jerk" which resulted in him screaming at me and punching me in the shoulder leaving a bruise. The third was in the middle of the night, he showed up at my house outraged that I had attended a concert with friends & had failed to communicate to him. He threw my blankets off of my bed and punched me in the leg with enormous strength.
...This was clearly VERY unhealthy and to this day I can't explain what kept me with him .....
other then my undying need to figure him out.
I had to be this young mans learning experience.
I had to be this young mans learning experience.
You'd be surprised to know that the ending of our relationship was his doing & took place publicly during a friends birthday party. It was a very random awkward moment in my life, but it was probably one of the best things that could've happened to me. I won't get into the details but I will say I was left on the floor in a puddle of my own tears with no idea where to go from there.
I spent the next month doing all I could to avoid seeing him ...but some how trying to allow him to see me... So he could see that I was doing "amazing" ... even though I wasn't. I went to a pretty dark place but I channeled my pain into writing and learning from the people around me.
I did what any normal college student would do and I began playing my "single" card in every way I could. Don't judge me for this statement, we've all be there. Talking to multiple guys, never gaining any true attachment to them, using them for what I needed.
Spring Break of 2011 changed my life forever. I met this amazing, sweet, kind, caring Utah guy. His name, Landon. We had a natural connection but again ....timing is everything. Little did I know he was in a similar mind set as I, just out of a serious relationship. For lack of better words to use [sorry Mom & Dad], we used that spring break as a "hook up" and maintained a friendship afterwards. We were in two different states which essentially felt like completely different worlds at the time. Our connection slowly disappeared into a distant memory. I spent the next year continuing on my chaotic college student road.
Summer of 2011, I met another guy. At the time, I didn't see it as serious, but he sure did. He pursued me harder then any man had ever tried before. I went with it because I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted and desired. I let him in, even though my gut instinct was telling me to run the other direction. I wouldn't say I fell "in love" with him, but I definitely gave him a piece of me.
I lived in a house with two other girls who were close friends of mine. I invested a majority of my time into one of the girls, we became best friends. We spent all our free time together and told each other everything. I felt like she was a sister to me.
-During this time period, one night, I attended a good friends going away grad party. This friend was not a friend of my roommates nor boyfriend so I attended solo. Around 12:30 that night at the party, I received a phone call that I had no idea would change my life. It was the Spring break Utah guy, Landon.
I went outside to answer and he was instantly surprised that I even picked up my phone.
He tells me that he's being doing a lot of thinking and praying and my name keeps returning in his thoughts like God is directing him to contact me. [Landon had been an LDS missionary who at the time was trying to get back into the church, his bishop told him that to gain peace and begin finding God again he would need to make a complete list of every girl he had pre-martial sex with. Afterwards he was to call each of those girls, apologize to them, and then erase their number and never speak to them again. I was the last person on this list.]
He asked me if he could come to Boise and take me out on a date. I told him that I was now in a relationship but if he came to Boise, we could meet for coffee and catch up. I was okay with being his friend. [this part of my story becomes important later on]
...Meanwhile my relationship with my current fling started to feel like more of a task then it was a commoditiy. He tried to control my every move, he would try reading my messages, snooping through my things and anything else he could get his hands on. I started to feel suffocated so I began pondering ways to subtly end it.
A month after I cut those ties, I began planning a spring break 2012 trip with my current bff/roommate at the time. I had been talking to Landon periodically and maintained a great friendship with him, we planned to meet up down in Vegas for a few days during our spring break adventure.
Once we were down there, myself, my friend, and Landon went out partying on the strip.
My phone rings, it's my ex, I go into the bathroom and he proceeds to tell me a secret he had been harboring. He told me that through the course of our relationship he had had sex and kept a semi-relationship with that best friend/roommate I was in Vegas with. He proceeded to explain every single secret I had ever confided to her about, and named the exact occasion that they had hooked up. ....
Remember earlier when I told you the story of the night I was at a friends grad party when Landon called. That was the exact night that they had "altercations." Coincidence? Creepy? I'd say. After triple confirming the facts with friends I had finally been given the truth.
I don't remember much after leaving the bathroom that night, but I do know that a side of me came out that I had never known was there.
The next morning, I took out enough money for my portion of the gas to get home. I asked her to go back to our house, move all of her stuff out and leave me alone for good. I intended on jumping on a plane back to Boise, but Landon, being the gentlemen that he is, insisted that I go down to California with him for his family vacation. It wasn't an ideal place for me to be during that time, but I was blatantly desperate to clear my head and of course wanted to avoid returning promptly to all that chaos.
To summarize what happened next, I'll just tell you, that I fell in love in the ocean of Venice Beach, California. This MAN was so understanding of everything I'd been through, yet seemingly amazing at cheering me up. He showed me some of my own inner spirit, he showed me the meaning of being free.
I soon realized that I had enclosed myself in a shell of a city, where it felt as though it was the only place in the entire world.
I had to get out. So I did, and that is the Lyssa you need to understand, that is when I began to figure it out.
Since leaving Idaho I have called, Salt Lake City, UT; Portland, OR; Dallas, TX; Nashville, TN; and Atlanta, GA my home. Along the way seeing numerous Cities, States, attractions and portions of Mexico.
I saw diversity, I saw poverty, I saw insane weather, insane people, beautiful people, liberal people, religious people, hateful people, and above all else, I saw myself.
I accepted the things that I could not change, I learned to forgive and accept who I was. I learned the power of positive thinking. I learned the power of music and live SHOWS. It's that moment in life when there are thousands of people in one vicinity there for one thing, without judgments or pre conceived notions, to all feel for that moment in time....... Free.
I am not here to preach to you or give you outrageous things to believe in. I'm not even here to tell you to think the same way as I do. I am not here to cast judgment on your own personal path. I am here to help you see what I see, I am here to show you my journey and struggles, to show you that you are not alone.
I am here in an attempt to show you that we are all human, destined to achieve greatness in our own way. Not in the way that MOST perceive the word, in the way of figuring out your own personal abilities.
Napolean Hill said that we are all the masters of our own realities, we create the path that we want to create. We hold the keys to our own happiness and there isn't anyone else that can unlock that for you.
I have found myself through music, I have found myself through my own pain and failures, I am still continuing to find myself and I am going to share it.
Just as a true writer should.
Remember earlier when I told you the story of the night I was at a friends grad party when Landon called. That was the exact night that they had "altercations." Coincidence? Creepy? I'd say. After triple confirming the facts with friends I had finally been given the truth.
I don't remember much after leaving the bathroom that night, but I do know that a side of me came out that I had never known was there.
The next morning, I took out enough money for my portion of the gas to get home. I asked her to go back to our house, move all of her stuff out and leave me alone for good. I intended on jumping on a plane back to Boise, but Landon, being the gentlemen that he is, insisted that I go down to California with him for his family vacation. It wasn't an ideal place for me to be during that time, but I was blatantly desperate to clear my head and of course wanted to avoid returning promptly to all that chaos.
To summarize what happened next, I'll just tell you, that I fell in love in the ocean of Venice Beach, California. This MAN was so understanding of everything I'd been through, yet seemingly amazing at cheering me up. He showed me some of my own inner spirit, he showed me the meaning of being free.
I soon realized that I had enclosed myself in a shell of a city, where it felt as though it was the only place in the entire world.
I had to get out. So I did, and that is the Lyssa you need to understand, that is when I began to figure it out.
Since leaving Idaho I have called, Salt Lake City, UT; Portland, OR; Dallas, TX; Nashville, TN; and Atlanta, GA my home. Along the way seeing numerous Cities, States, attractions and portions of Mexico.
I saw diversity, I saw poverty, I saw insane weather, insane people, beautiful people, liberal people, religious people, hateful people, and above all else, I saw myself.
I accepted the things that I could not change, I learned to forgive and accept who I was. I learned the power of positive thinking. I learned the power of music and live SHOWS. It's that moment in life when there are thousands of people in one vicinity there for one thing, without judgments or pre conceived notions, to all feel for that moment in time....... Free.
I am not here to preach to you or give you outrageous things to believe in. I'm not even here to tell you to think the same way as I do. I am not here to cast judgment on your own personal path. I am here to help you see what I see, I am here to show you my journey and struggles, to show you that you are not alone.
I am here in an attempt to show you that we are all human, destined to achieve greatness in our own way. Not in the way that MOST perceive the word, in the way of figuring out your own personal abilities.
Napolean Hill said that we are all the masters of our own realities, we create the path that we want to create. We hold the keys to our own happiness and there isn't anyone else that can unlock that for you.
I have found myself through music, I have found myself through my own pain and failures, I am still continuing to find myself and I am going to share it.
Just as a true writer should.
